$&*^#&*^$@%(*&!^%_@*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so angry!

Please tell me there is someone out there who can be nice with no agenda...unless my idea of the human nature is fundamentally wrong... that must be it. Then, what is the point.... I can very well just take care of my stuff and block everything else out. Let them deal with their own issues and problems on their own. Ignore the passive aggressive behaviors from the others. The term passive aggressive is so unnecessary. It really means "AGGRESSIVE" and "MANIPULATIVE". How simple and easy life can be if I just block them all out... sad but doable.

This world is HORRIBLE. Selfishness is what runs this world right now. If people are not selfish, then they won't feel the need to take from the others. Is it so hard to understand that the best source for anything is from ONESELF!!! not OTHERS!!!

Perhaps I should just wake up and see the reality as told otherwise I will be used and reused and probably at the same time being laugh at for being stupid and naive.

Why work so hard so all your effort gets to be taken, twisted, used by EGOMANIACS then finally be thrown away? If the work is good, it often ended up being used and somehow became OTHERS' work, if the work is not so good, it will be used anyway, and of course since it was my work, I will get the blame for it not being so good. HOW WONDERFUL! How convenient for the others but for me. You know what, in another way, I have been used as if I am a slave... not a slave of labor, but slave for ideas... that is it! But, why should I be??? I am not a slave! The term "slave" should not have been invented at the first place. I WILL NOT let this continue. Let them do their own work... I will do my part, and that is it!!! Then, just sit back and wait or just walk away.

Ideas are to be "shared and developed", not to be taken and manipulated for other purposes. What is giving? Giving to the ones who need is a wonderful act, but giving to ones who don't need but pretend to is just stupid. Giving to the ones who are lazy and want the easy way out is unforgivable, and I am GUILTY to all that! I am not asking for everything to be fair, because that is impossible. Besides, who is to judge what is fair and what is not. However, one should protect oneself from being used, and I should do precisely that starting NOW!

From now on, when I see passive aggressiveness, I will take is as a real personal attack, it is! I will see it as an act of stealing.... yes, passive aggressiveness = stealing.

Another sleepless night

It is 3:20AM and I am wide awake.... ok, let me rephrase that, my brain is wide awake and my eyes are screaming: "let us rest!" This is the second night that I can't sleep... I wonder why? Last night was a concert night, so, that was understandable, but tonight..... What's is wrong with me? Why is it that I can't stop hearing bits and pieces of music in my head? The fights between them are driving me INSANE!!!! These phrases come and go as they please. They combined & mutated themselves into new lines. They even turned into fugue subjects and started developing into some weird fugue. If the end product of all these insanity turns out to be good, perhaps I won't be so troubled by it, unfortunately, that was not the case. On second thought, why didn't Archuduke or the Brahms Quintet lines win the battle and silence the others? Is it really that the great masterworks of the past are loosing their battle? Make them STOP!!!!

On random notes, while sitting in the audience of HSO concert last weekend, these are the words I heard:
"I wonder whether they have some sort of Parking arrangement for all the performers... There are so many of them... If not, they must of picked them all up by buses!"
"How is the conductor going to get through? Is he going to land from the sky?"
"I got the gossips!"
"Are they good? I heard they are good."
"ZZZZ...."
"I normally don't like Opera, but this is not bad!" (The program was Vaughan Williams: Dona Nobis Pace and Beethoven 9th Sym.)
"Did you see X sitting over there?" "I wondered why M is not here today, I saw M earlier today..."
"Oh, this concert is sold out, they must be good! "


Tomorrow, no, today is my big cooking day. I need to make sure that lunch & dinner are ready in time for Peter to eat quickly with his limited amount of time in between his things. Also, cranberry bread for next 2 breakfasts as well as 3 meals for the next two days. What to make besides the cranberry bread???

Finally, I can put the Goldmark Trios aside and move on to other more desirable repertoire:
Brahms Piano Quintet
Beethoven Archduke
Rachmaninoff Elegiaque
P. Schoefield Cafe Music

Ok, it is time to try again.
May all the wonderful music, not so wonderful music and definitely the horrible ones stay away from me when I attempt to go to sleep...