Language

My first language is Chinese Mandarin. Although I have been in U. S. for more than 15 years, expressing my thoughts or ideas in English is still a hard task for me. There is obviously no problem having normal conversations in everyday life situation, otherwise, I should just give up living here altogether. However, it gets really frustrating in the social setting where the conversations become more in depth. Not being able to articulate and having people misunderstand me are constant struggles. Thus, I often choose to withdraw from participating in social functions or any size of gatherings.

It is terribly hard especially when people are extremely impatient (majority of people are). Often times, before having a second chance to change my wording or to clarify, most people tend to decide that I am stupid and ignorant. To understand fully what people like me are going through, one would have to use one's second or third language, and try to have an intense intellectual conversations with people who have no patience and are judgmental. Some friends have suggested that I just keep learning more words and read more books which I do. However, not being able to put words to use and to clarify ideas from books in a judgment-free environment is even more frustrating. Many of English adjectives have different connotations than other languages. How does one get better without being able to practice and refine what one says?

This is a society of fast pace. Patience and gradual refinement are often perceived as excuses for incapableness. I am just lucky that I have another form of communication in my life which does not provide people with many opportunities to misunderstand me. Music! The unspoken language, I am forever indebted to it.